How Children Develop Self-Control and Impulse Control?
- Hui Ling How
- 3 days ago
- 5 min read
Have you ever wondered why your child knows the rule but still finds it difficult to follow it?
Perhaps they know they should wait their turn, but they interrupt. They understand that hitting is not okay, but they react physically when they are upset. They may even say, “I know I shouldn’t have done it,” after acting impulsively.
These situations can be frustrating for parents, but they are also a normal part of childhood development. Self-control and impulse control are skills that develop gradually over time. Children are not born knowing how to manage strong emotions, wait patiently, think before acting, or consider the consequences of their behaviour.
Understanding how these skills develop can help parents respond with greater patience while giving children the support they need.
What Are Self-Control and Impulse Control?
Although the terms are often used together, they describe slightly different skills.
Impulse control is the ability to pause before acting on an immediate urge. For example, a child may want to grab a toy from another child but learns to wait instead.
Self-control is a broader skill that involves managing emotions, thoughts and behaviour in order to achieve a goal or follow an expectation.
A child demonstrating self-control might:
Wait for their turn during a game
Stop themselves from grabbing something they want
Follow instructions even when they would rather do something else
Manage frustration without immediately shouting or hitting
Stay focused on a task
Think about what might happen before making a choice
These abilities are closely connected to executive functioning, which includes skills such as attention, working memory, flexible thinking and emotional regulation.
Self-Control Develops Gradually
It is important to remember that children develop self-control at different rates.
A young child may find it very difficult to wait, share or stop an enjoyable activity. As children grow, they gradually become better at pausing, thinking and choosing an appropriate response.
However, development is not always linear. Even children who usually demonstrate good self-control may struggle when they are:
Tired
Hungry
Overstimulated
Excited
Worried
Frustrated
Experiencing a change in routine
This is why a child who can usually follow instructions may suddenly have difficulty controlling their behaviour after a long and tiring day.
Why Can't Children "Just Control Themselves"?
Adults sometimes expect children to control their behaviour simply because they understand what they are supposed to do.
However, knowing what to do and being able to do it are two different things.
A child might understand that they should wait their turn, but their developing brain may not yet have the ability to consistently stop an immediate impulse.
Instead of asking, “Why won't my child listen?”, it can be more helpful to ask:
“What skill does my child need help practising?”
This shift can change the way parents respond to challenging behaviour.
The Role of Emotional Regulation
Self-control is closely connected to emotional regulation.
When children experience a strong emotion, their ability to think clearly and control their behaviour can decrease. A child who is overwhelmed by anger, disappointment or excitement may find it much harder to use the skills they normally have.
For example, a child may calmly say, “Can I have a turn after you?” when playing with a sibling. But if they become extremely frustrated, they may grab the toy or yell.
This does not necessarily mean the child has forgotten the rule. They may simply need support regulating the emotion before they can use the appropriate behaviour.
How Parents Can Help Develop Self-Control
The good news is that self-control is a skill that can be practised.
1. Start With Simple Waiting Games
Games that involve stopping, waiting and taking turns can help children practise impulse control in an enjoyable way.
Try activities such as:
“Red Light, Green Light”
“Simon Says”
Board games
Taking turns with toys
Freeze dance
Simple card games
These activities give children repeated opportunities to practise stopping, waiting and responding to cues.
2. Use Predictable Routines
Children often find it easier to manage their behaviour when they know what to expect.
Simple routines can reduce uncertainty and make transitions easier. For example:
Using consistent language such as “first, next, then and last” can help children understand what is expected and what comes next.
3. Give Children Time to Respond
Sometimes adults give instructions and expect an immediate response.
Instead, try giving your child a clear instruction and allowing a few moments for them to process it.
For example:
“Please put the blocks in the box.”
Pause.
If needed, provide a gentle reminder rather than immediately repeating the instruction several times.
This gives children an opportunity to practise stopping what they are doing, shifting their attention and responding.
4. Help Children Name Their Emotions
Children who can identify their emotions are better able to communicate what they are experiencing.
You might say:
“You look frustrated.”
“You really wanted another turn.”
“It looks like you're feeling angry.”
“You're excited because it's your turn.”
Naming emotions does not mean allowing inappropriate behaviour. Instead, it helps children understand what is happening inside their bodies and minds.
You can then teach an appropriate response:
“It's okay to feel angry. It's not okay to hit. Let's use words to tell them you're upset.”
5. Model Self-Control
Children learn a great deal by watching adults.
Parents can model self-control by talking through their own reactions:
“I'm feeling frustrated, so I'm going to take a deep breath before I respond.”
Or:
“I really want to finish this, but I'll wait until you're finished talking.”
These everyday moments demonstrate that self-control is not about never feeling angry, impatient or frustrated. It is about learning what to do with those feelings.
6. Praise the Behaviour You Want to See
Specific praise can help children recognise when they have successfully used self-control.
Instead of simply saying:
“Good job!”
try:
“You waited for your turn even though you really wanted the toy. That was great self-control.”
Or:
“I noticed you stopped and asked before taking it. Well done.”
Specific feedback helps children understand exactly which behaviour they should repeat.
What About Consequences?
Boundaries and consequences are still important. Children need to understand that certain behaviours are not acceptable.
However, consequences work best when they are paired with teaching.
For example, if a child grabs a toy from another child, an adult might calmly say:
“I won't let you grab it. You can ask for a turn.”
The goal is not simply to stop the behaviour in that moment. It is to teach the child what they can do instead.
Over time, repeated practice helps children develop more effective ways of responding.
When Should Parents Seek Professional Support?
Every child has moments of impulsivity. Difficulty with self-control does not automatically mean that something is wrong.
However, it may be helpful to seek professional guidance if impulsive or emotionally dysregulated behaviour is:
Significantly affecting your child's relationships
Interfering with learning or participation at school
Creating frequent conflicts at home
Putting your child or others at risk
Much more intense or persistent than expected for their developmental stage
Occurring across multiple settings
A child psychologist or other qualified professional can help parents understand the factors contributing to the behaviour and identify strategies that match the child's developmental needs.
Remember: Self-Control Is a Skill, Not a Switch
Children do not develop self-control overnight.
They learn it gradually through relationships, modelling, routines, practice, play and supportive guidance. There will be days when they demonstrate impressive self-control and other days when they struggle with skills they seemed to have mastered.
That is part of development.
Rather than expecting children to always control their impulses, we can help them build the skills to pause, regulate, think and choose.
With time and consistent support, these small moments of practice become important building blocks for independence, emotional regulation and healthy relationships.
The goal is not a child who never acts impulsively. The goal is a child who gradually learns, “I can pause. I can manage this feeling. I can make a different choice.”
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