Intergenerational Parenting: Understanding How Our Childhood Shapes the Way We Parent

Parenting does not begin when a child is born. In many ways, it begins much earlier—with our own childhood experiences.

The way parents respond to their children is often influenced by how parents were raised, the relationships parents experienced growing up, and the beliefs about children and discipline that were passed down through generations. This is sometimes referred to as intergenerational parenting.

Understanding intergenerational parenting can help parents recognise why certain parenting responses feel automatic and, importantly, how parents can make intentional choices about the kind of relationship parents want to build with their children.

What Is Intergenerational Parenting?

Intergenerational parenting refers to the way parenting beliefs, behaviours, expectations, communication patterns, and family values can be passed from one generation to another.

For example, a parent who grew up in a household where children were expected to remain quiet may naturally expect the same behaviour from a child. Another parent may have grown up with very strict discipline and decide to adopt the same approach because it was viewed as necessary for teaching respect.

At the same time, some parents respond in the opposite direction. A parent who experienced strict or emotionally distant parenting may consciously choose to be much more permissive or emotionally expressive with a child.

In both situations, the parent's own childhood experiences can influence present-day parenting decisions.

"This Is How I Was Raised"

Parents may sometimes hear themselves saying:

• "My parents did this with me, and I turned out fine."

• "Children should learn to respect adults."

• "I wasn't allowed to talk back when I was young."

• "My parents were strict because they wanted the best for me."

• "I don't want my child to experience what I experienced."

These statements are not necessarily good or bad. They can provide an opportunity for reflection.

A useful question is:

"Am I choosing this parenting response because it fits my family's needs now, or because it is familiar from my own childhood?"

Familiarity can make certain responses feel natural, even when parents have never consciously decided that those responses reflect their values.

What Gets Passed Down?

Intergenerational patterns can involve much more than discipline.

1. Communication

Children learn how family members communicate with one another. If disagreements were handled through shouting, silence, criticism, or avoidance, a parent may unintentionally repeat these patterns.

Alternatively, a parent may deliberately teach a different approach by modelling calm communication, active listening, and respectful disagreement.

2. Emotional Expression

Families can have very different attitudes toward emotions.

Some children grow up hearing messages such as "don't cry," "be strong," or "there is nothing to be upset about." Others may grow up in families where emotions are openly discussed.

These experiences can influence how comfortable parents feel when their own children express sadness, anger, fear, or frustration.

3. Discipline

Ideas about discipline are often strongly influenced by family traditions and cultural expectations.

A parent may have learned that punishment is the primary way to correct behaviour. Another may have experienced little structure and later place a strong emphasis on boundaries.

Effective parenting does not require parents to completely reject everything from previous generations. Instead, parents can consider which practices remain helpful and which practices may need to change.

4. Expectations and Achievement

Beliefs about education, success, independence, and responsibility can also be passed down.

For example, parents who were raised with strong expectations around academic achievement may place considerable pressure on a child to perform. The intention may be to help the child succeed, but the child may experience the pressure differently.

Understanding where these expectations come from can help parents distinguish between supporting a child's development and expecting a child to fulfil an inherited definition of success.

The Cycle Can Be Repeated—or Changed

One of the most important things to understand about intergenerational parenting is that patterns are not inevitable.

Being raised in a particular environment does not mean a parent must recreate that environment.

Parents can pause and ask:

"What did I experience as a child?"

"How did that experience affect me?"

"What parts of that experience do I want to carry forward?"

"What would I like to do differently with my child?"

This process does not require blaming previous generations. Parents often raise children using the knowledge, resources, and beliefs available to them at the time.

Instead, reflection allows parents to make more intentional choices with the knowledge available today.

Breaking a Pattern Does Not Mean Rejecting Your Family

Parents sometimes worry that changing a family pattern means disrespecting their parents or rejecting their family's values.

It does not have to.

A parent can appreciate the positive aspects of how the parent was raised while recognising that some approaches may no longer be suitable.

For example:

"My parents taught me the importance of responsibility. I want to keep that value, but I want to teach responsibility through guidance rather than fear."

This allows parents to preserve meaningful family values while changing the way those values are communicated.

What Can Parents Do?

Changing deeply established patterns takes time. Parents do not need to respond perfectly in every situation.

A few practical steps can help.

Pause Before Responding

When a child's behaviour triggers a strong emotional reaction, take a moment before responding.

Ask:

"What am I reacting to?"

Sometimes the intensity of a parent's response may be connected not only to what the child is doing now, but also to what the behaviour represents based on the parent's own experiences.

Identify Your Parenting Triggers

Consider situations that consistently lead to strong reactions.

Does messiness feel particularly difficult?Does talking back feel disrespectful?Does crying create discomfort?Does poor academic performance create anxiety?

Understanding these triggers can help parents recognise patterns instead of automatically reacting to them.

Separate Values From Methods

A family may value respect, responsibility, independence, or kindness. There can be many ways to teach these values.

For example, respect does not have to mean unquestioning obedience. Parents can teach children to respect others while also encouraging children to communicate disagreement appropriately.

Repair After Difficult Moments

Parents will sometimes lose patience, raise their voice, or respond in a way they later regret.

Repair matters.

A parent might say:

"I was frustrated earlier and I shouted. I should have spoken more calmly. Let's try again."

Repair teaches children that relationships can recover after conflict and that adults can take responsibility for their actions.

Seek Support When Needed

Some parenting patterns can be difficult to change independently, particularly when they are connected to painful or complicated childhood experiences.

A child psychologist or mental health professional can provide a safe space for parents to explore these patterns and develop strategies that are appropriate for the family.

Parenting With Awareness

Intergenerational parenting reminds us that parents are not parenting in isolation. Parents bring their own histories, relationships, beliefs, and experiences into the parent-child relationship.

The goal is not to become a "perfect" parent or to eliminate every influence from previous generations.

Instead, the goal is awareness.

When parents understand where parenting responses come from, parents have greater opportunity to decide which patterns to continue, which patterns to adapt, and which patterns to leave behind.

Every generation has an opportunity to add something new to the family story.

Sometimes, positive change begins with something as simple as pausing and asking:

"Is this how I want to parent, or is this simply how I learned to parent?"